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I used to work in a pub, and I became really good friends with a guy there and his wife. It took us a while to realise we were both pagans too, which made us laugh, and since then although it has been a long time since we’ve worked there together we still keep in touch. They have a wonderful little girl, and last year gave birth to a gorgeous baby boy (they’ve asked me if I’d be his ‘un-godmother’, something I accepted with much gratitude and honour =) ). Through them I also got to know their mum, Iris (name changed to somehow ease my own unease at discussing something so close to me). Iris has been struggling with cancer for a long time now, and I got the call from my friends a couple of weeks back that she had suddenly rapidly declined and had been admotted to hospital. The doctor had told them over the phone that it could now be a matter of hours or days, rather than months. They called me that noght, and we arranged to go and see her together the next morning. I wanted to be there for my friends, and be there to look after the kids if need be, let alone get the chance to say goodbye to someone who I had met on only a few occasions but who had deeply touched me with her widsom and kindess each time.
It was really heartbreaking. I won’t go into how everything happened that day.
I got to see her after her son-in-law and the kids had seen her, and her daughter stayed there, so it was me, her and Iris. She wasn’t all there, meds playing with her mind and the pain in her body. I sat at the end of the bed, just being there, watching mother and daughter try to hold it all together yet at the same time come to terms with the inevitable. Then there came a moment when panic surfaced in Iris and the stench of fear rising off her like sweat – you could see for a moment she cought glimpse of her own oblivion. As I watched my friend comfort her and try to calm her as the wave of fear subside as quick as it made itself felt, amongst all the anguish I felt at watching such a kind person go through such pain, a distant part of me registered that I had just witnessed what the direct, unbridled touch of the Hag Goddess can do.
As I was watching my friend and Iris, it was actually as if I could see a veil being pulled down over her, the oncoming of the fear so tangable like deep dark velvet smothering. As if the Dark Goddess stroking her paper dry fingers across Iris’ veined cheek was enough to bring on madness and terror. The fear was seperate from her, but made itself all to present within her in that awful moment, and then the Hag departed with a bittersweet smile leaving exhaustion and fragility to fill in the space of her absence. All Iris could manage to say to us, myself and my friend, after that episode, was “Please know, this could happen to you too. At any time, it could happen to you too. Please remember.” When I left her bedside later, holding my friend as she finally let her grief swell into tears walking down the corridor, I couldn’t help wondering whether Iris meant the cancer, or the touch of the Dark Goddess.
She is horror and terror and our pain and our grief, our darkness and our despair. She is our strength, our courage, our love and our passion, our ecstasy. Are any of us strong enough to withstand her gentle yet mighty touch? Despite what the doctors predicted Iris is still with us, a huge blessing, despite the fact the goddess of death may claim her at any time now. I guess we all just have to remember that She is just a finger stroke away.
“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.”
I’ve already spoken previously about how Chrysalis as my word of 2010 affected my life, and was determined to find a word for 2011 that would fit just as perfectly and mean just as much as Chrysalis had for that period of time that it manfiested itself. The word I have settled on is CONFIDENCE.
Definition: Confidence . . .
2011 is the year of acting from a ground of trust.
In this year I will remember to act from a place of hope and assurance, not from a place of fear. Fear is hindering, it is paralyzing, something I’m all too familiar with. I do not have to act from fear any more if I have trust in myself and my abilities. It’s not a cocky self-assuredness; it’s a belief in the inherent abundance and resourcefulness to be found in life that is accessible to all if they become pioneers of their own life.
2011 is the year of claiming my own power.
Instead of clinging to others for support and encouragement, depending on the belief of others to feed the belief in myself, I will recognise my own strengths and achievements and reconnect with my own personal power to keep on going when things get hard. It will be hard to step up to this kind of responsibilty – I can no longer act passively and allow my sense of self to bob and dip on the tides of my emotions. I must remember that I am the ambassador of my life and dreams, and must act in a way befitting so. Act in confidence, faith, passion and courage.
Already I feel as if confidence is making a firmer position for itself in my life. I’ve had a good start to teaching this year. I thought I would be scared and begin the cycle of doubt and self-paralisation all over again when I got back to work, but there hasn’t been a hint of it yet. Even when I know I’ve got tough classes coming up or have been up against large amounts of work, I just rememberthat I’ve already been here, I’ve already done that, and depsite how difficult it was I’m still here, stronger for experience. It makes a welcome change from the end of last term, where you could’ve emotionally knocked me down with a feather! I know those old feelings will return at points, I just have to remember to act from that ground of trust – things will be fine, I will get through, and I can do it.
I’d love to hear from any of you guys if you’ve got a word/focus for the new year or any new years resolutions. Feel free to share!
2010 is the Year of Growing Pains.
How right I was when I wrote those simple words! When I took Chrysalis as my word of the year back in January, I couldn’t have been more accurate. This year, as I have begun my teacher training, there has been a lot of growing, and a lot of pain.
Since I started teaching in June, and took on a full timetable in September, I have grown in ways unimaginable at the beginning. I’m so much more confident in my abilities, and pride myself in what I have to achieved so far – some impressive lesson observations, good relationships with my students, becoming a resourceful and reliable member of my department. However, it has all come at such a cost – I am constantly mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted. I spend all my time working, during the weekdays only getting about an hour to myself to eat and what not in between working at the school and then lesson planning in the evening. And when I’m so exhausted that I simply can not do anymore, it always is at the cost of not being prepared the next day or not having done something that needs doing. So many breakdowns already, deespite it only being the first term!
If I embraced and lived this word daily this year, my year would be different because I would be kinder to myself for my imperfections. Instead of berating myself in the times when I make mistakes and don’t achieve what I mean to, I will take what I can from the experience to do better next time, little by little, slowly but surely.
Good grief I have found it hard to be kind to myself. But, thankfully, I have so many around me that do that for me. My mentor and head of department, my colleagues, my friends, but most importantly my boyfriend. When I’m sitting in front of the computer in the dark at 1am typing a lesson plan for an observation the next day, he’s there telling me not to give up. When I’m parked in front of the telly utterly tired and not wanting to start working, he tells me to get on with it. He’s also there to hold me when it all gets too much and I can do nothing but cry. He tells me what a great job I’m doing, and how proud he is of me. How lucky am I?!
It’s been an amazing year, one that I will never forget. One that has been filled with all spectrums of emotions, highs and lows, wishes fulfilled and some wishes yet to manifest. But they will. I’ve worked bloody hard enough, and I’ve just got to continue to do so. And with the strength and love of those around me, I will.
So I sit here, contemplating what my new word of the year will be. It’s so funny, reading back on my Chrysalis post and hearing how true the words ring.
I hope you’ve all had an amazing year, and wish you many blessings and wishes fulfilled for the next one =).
Haley x
Hiya all,
My other half went fishing for the weekend, which meant I had all the weekend to myself =). So today, I decided to finish a little project that I’ve had on my mind for a while now.
Basically, my best mate, who I’ve known since primary school, has moved into a new flat with her boyfriend, and she wanted/I wanted me to paint a picture for her to hang in her new flat. She said for me to do whatever I wanted (a blessing and a curse). I decided that I’d do something bellydance related – in homage to some good memories we have from earlier, more innocent times, lol. Now, it’s been about 2 months since she moved in to said flat, and until today I have had nothing to give to her, lol. I spent ages doing and redoing, etc etc, we’re all our own worst critics. But I’ve finnaly produced something I don’t mind giving her.
Here’s a first sketch, only about 7 inches high:
Here’s the final piece, on an A3 sheet of watercolour paper, with some tweaks as you can see.
I changed the arms – some verticals and horizontals to balance out the much swirliness, lol. Conveniently, the hands and feet didn’t fit onto the page =D. Let me know what you think!
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. - Anais Nin
Did you know that Tigers are thought to be very lucky people? Ever since I learned I was born in the year of the tiger, and discovered this piece of information, I have tended to agree. And recent events certainly attest to this =D.
At the beginning of this year I briefly talked about my application to train as a secondary school art teacher. I explained that the school where I’m working, and want to train have accepted me, we still had to apply to an outside agency, who have the final say as to whether I am allowed to train or not. Well, I did apply, and was initially told that my application was rejected due to the school not being in their training area. When myself and a member of the senoir team at my school sent them a copy of an email they had sent him saying that where I was had no implication on whether I should be accepted or not, they changed their mind (funny that, when you provide evidence it was a mistake!). I was invited to interview a few days after Easter, and found out that same week that I had been accepted.
WOOT!
So, I’m going to be training as an Art Teacher! Not only that, I will be starting on June 7th! This isn’t how it usually goes because the training course officially starts in September, but my school have said they want me to start earlier. So I’m going to be a teacher very, very soon.
I can’t even begin to express how amazing, how excited, how scared, how nervous, how thrilled this makes me feel. I’ve worked very hard as a TA for over a year now, and I’ve loved it, despite all the ups and downs, but I am so ready for this now. If anyone had asked me if I felt ready anytime before February, I wouldn’t have been certain – I would still have my doubts and insecurities. But at one point during applying, my perspective changed, and I suddenly knew this was the time.
I know that I’m not going to be good straight away. I know that it’s going to be incredibly hard, testing, and I’ll have no social life for at least a year. I know the kids wil still be difficult, the stress of learning new things while still having to perform will sometimes become too much.
But it’s worth risking my feelings of comfort, of security, and even routine. It’s got to the point where not doing this is more damaging than playing it safe.
It’s gonna be a hell of a ride ;D.
Things recently haven’t been all love and light, but that doesn’t mean I will ignore those things that do make me such a lucky tiger – this new opportunity, my amazing friends (old and new), my dysfunctional family, and my ever supportive boyfriend.
I have so much to be thankful for. Today, here are just five things that I am thankful for:
Please, just think about what you’ve got to be thankful for just a moment. I know there are many people hurting so badly at the moment, in and out of my own little world. Just for a moment, find something to be grateful for. I hope it’s not too hard to find =).
I have been reading a number of things recently that have been ‘spiritually feeding’ me as it were. Since finishing ‘Women Who Run With Wolves’, I took the suggestion of fellow blogger Pax and bought ‘Kissing the Limitless’ by T. Thorn Coyle. It’s about building a solid, reliable and nurturing spiritual practice that encourages honest scrutiny and self-development. An informative and thought provoking read, I still haven’t quite digested it fully yet. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t gotten anything from it yet either =D.
I have always struggled with building a spiritual practice, whether it be meditation, ritual, observance or prayer. This book kind of hammered it home for me, that if I really think that my beliefs and morals are important, surely they are worth the effort? Surely I myself am also worth the effort?
Also, I’ve discovered a new blogger over at Of Oak and Ivy whose posts I love. Especially as I am only taking my first tentative steps down the polytheists path, it’s inspiring and encouraging to read the thoughts and experiences of someone else who has trod the path before myself. In one of his posts he mentioned being on the bardic course of The Order of Bards, Ovates and Druids, which sparked my interests. I spent days reading the information on the website, and after some hefty consideration decided to purchase their introductory pack for their course. I’m really glad I did! They send an information pack, and include the first two ‘lessons’ that you receive when you start the course so you get a feel for it. It was very exciting and I’m gonna go for it, lol. So when I next get paid I will enrol.
These two sources of information and guidance have made me to look at my current practice in a new light. I’ve been doing morning prayers to The Morrighan since the beginning of the year, but I am now more dedicated to making sure I actually do them, and now look forward to them, rather than just feel liked I must do them. I’ve also started to briefly meditate before this, which I find very difficult, but I think I’ve found a way to make it more appealing/easier. The OBOD pack included some guidance on making your own inner ‘sacred grove’, which is at the heart of druidic practice. A place of peace, reverence and invigoration which you always have with you. So I’ve been envisioning this sacred space when I’ve been meditating, and have found it much more successful than all my other recent attempts. It means I start the day in a better place, and I feel like my following prayers then feel more empowered. I swear this is true, because since then (since Saturday) I’ve REALLY been feeling Morrighan’s energy about me =D. Oh yeah, and it is awesome. I feel more stronger and assertive, as well as more trusting, which I certainly need.
These may seem like small things for now, but I tell you, right now I’m thinking it’s all about making gentle but profound changes. It’s the Chrysalis way =D.
The below picture is a lot like my Sacred Grove =D. Surrounded by oak trees at dusk, golden light spilling on the grass whilst the edges of sky are tinged with coming night. Beautfiul. What would your Sacred Grove be like, I wonder? 
Hmm, what an interesting week it has been . . .
As stated in my last post, Chrysalis is my focus, inspire word for this year. One aspect of it’s presence in my year is to help me in my quest for a healthier, fitter body. Just like any other woman wants, even if she already has it. Well, it has been helping me do that, but not in the way I have been expecting, and in a way more infinitely ingenious than I had hoped for.
Last Wednesday my work trousers ripped. Now, I wore my beloved work trousers day in day out for like, ever, washing them overnight just so I wouldn’t have to wear anything else the next day. You all know what I mean, we have an item of clothing that justs makes us feel comfortable, less visible, more safe. On Wednesday night they ripped down the leg, irrepairable! I went home depressed, knowing that I’d have to try on all my old smart trousers, and experience the shameful feeling of not fitting into any of them – and I didn’t. Ugh, how low I felt.
So I sat myself down, in front of my little altar, and did a tarot reading – how could Chrysalis help me in my bid for a better body? I won’t go into too much detail here, for length’s sake. It basically said that I can’t go on in this fixed way of thinking, that the illusions I have of myself are unfounded, and that this new spiritual impetus I’ve been feeling is the key to bringing an end to this negative cycle and entering a new more bountiful phase. After that and a heartfelt convo with my Goddess, I got up and felt much better.
The next day I had to wear I skirt, which I hate! You have to understand, I really dislike wearing skirts, or anything that makes it seem like I might be courting attention to my body, or emphasises it’s shape. But you know what, I felt different – I felt sensual, comfortable in my body. Proud even! Who woulda thunk?! And since then this mindset hasn’t budged . . . how very peculiar. I’ve had many compliments, and the skirt is staying until I get paid and can buy new trousers, but who knows, maybe it will become a more frequent item in my work wear!
I think this mindset has also come to be through the amazing book I have been reading at the moment too: Women Who Run with the Wolves: Contacting the Power of the Wild Woman by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. This book has really helped me to accept my body for everything it is.
My body is strong, sensual, sexy, embracing, nurturing, preserving, powerful, knowing and responsive. With it I can hold people close to my hearts warmth, bear their trouble on my broad shoulders, embrace my lover with my firm legs and wide hips, walk my path with pride and enduring feet, fight to the death to protect those who need it, and breath in the gift of life as much as I can also give it.
After all these amazing things it can do, I’m beating down on it because I want it to be thin? Fuck that shit! Can I get a HELL YEAH?! Lol.
Watch this space, a new woman is already emerging from the chrysalis
CHRYSALIS
This is the perfect word for me this year because it is a time that I simultaneously need to grow and protect myself on all levels of my being, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I have worked hard to get to where I am, and I’m now in the liminal state of having been and being. I’m becoming. I’ve sown the seeds of potential, and now need to grow with them. But they will only grow if I nurture and protect them – myself – in the process. It’s going to be a very tough year, but I will make it if I am compassionate with myself and allow myself to grow in strength within my own boundaries of present inexperience, fear and doubt. Because, one day, in the not too distant future, the time will come when those things can no longer contain me, and I will emerge – beautiful, proud and strong. A butterfly free from her cocoon.
2010 is the Year of Growing Pains.
If I embraced and lived this word daily this year, my year would be different because I would be kinder to myself for my imperfections. Instead of berating myself in the times when I make mistakes and don’t achieve what I mean to, I will take what I can from the experience to do better next time, little by little, slowly but surely. I will also learn when my body and my spirit have had enough, and learn to look after myself and replenish myself so that I can grow more in my own time, not in anyone or anything else’s. I will also trust in my own constantly unfolding progress, knowing that even if I’m not where I want to be at the present doesn’t mean that I won’t eventually get there. I will believe in my own abilities.
I already embody this word when I realise I’m at the end of my tether, and go into a small period of solitude before I step back into the relentless pace of my work life. I’m also currently living this word by looking back at my past achievements, and remembering that I never thought I’d get to where I am, which in turn inspires me to trust that I will get myself to where I need to be eventually.
I do not embody this word when I am cruel and cynical to myself when things go wrong, even the things which are beyond my control. I expect to do things right first time, every time, and fear being a failure in my own and others eyes. This is despite the fact that there are some things I just cannot change, no matter how much I want them to or how hard I try. Or, when I get so scared at the prospect of failure that I don’t act at all. I do not respect my own reasonable, human limitations. I cannot afford to do that this year.
By living this word for a year, many things would be different at the end of it. I would have begun my teacher training from a place of emotional stability and courage, knowing that despite any setbacks that may arise I will continue to improve. Difficulties and mistakes will not be able to paralyse me as they have done before, because I will know that every step I take is one towards becoming a stronger, more capable and tenacious person. My spiritual practice will have been nurtured and allowed to develop in its own way, without my demanding expectations stifling its growth. My connection to my Goddess, Morrighan, will be more enduring, because I will not have given up on myself or her, even when I feel that she is far away. I will also be a healthier, fitter person because I will not have given up on it due to not seeing immediate results. My loved one will be a happier person because, having learnt that I must respect my own cycles of fortune and misfortune, abundance and fallowness, I will respect his. We will be even more happier together because of the patience and compassion we will have shown each other in a year that has been hard for both of us. I’m sure there are many other ways this word will bless my year.
2010 is the Year of Trusting the Process
What will your Word of the Year be?
The Morrighan has certainly wormed her way into my life now, lol. Quite funny really, considering the amount of time I spent intentionally trying to ignore her. I really didn’t want to get invovled, I mean, I have enough bad habits, do I really want to be inviting more aggressive energy into my life? Death, destruction, war, sex, bloodlust, ecstasy . . . yup, Morrighan had a whole load of adjectives attached to her which I really wanted to run a mile from! She scared the crap out of me!
What changed this? Where was the shifting point? Well, I had inklings that she’d turned up in my life a couple of times before, and she had been plagueing my mind for a while. So this one afternoon I was with a load of friends, who are christians, at their afternoon service – their church were doing a series of sermons on celtic spirituality hosted in their church garden over the summer. Now, I know I’m really not a christian – they know I’m not either, but I still go along every now and then with them – I do believe that there is something to be learnt from all religions, even, shock horror, Christianity (although I recognise that other people may disagree with me here!). This series of sermons obviously sparked an interest for me, and held in their beautiful garden at the height of summer? Sign me up . Despite it’s obviously Christian slant, I sat and gleaned what wisdom I could for my own practice. This one time, we were all asked to meditate for a while, and meet Jesus for a talk in a place, in the real world, where we strongly felt the divine. Me being me, I thought sod that, I don’t really want to talk to him, so I thought, hell, she’s been on my mind anyways, lets go and talk to Her. Hehe.
So I started conjuring up a place where I strongly felt the presence of the divine once. It was totally unexpected – I was at a pebble beach with my love and a couple of friends, just walking along the beach to get to the pier. It was so cold, and we stopped for a while for our friends dog to play in the sea. All of a sudden the beauty and majesty of the sea struck me, and I felt so happy. Well, the scene and my little talk with The Morrighan was something like this . . .
The waves were pounding rythmically against the pebbled shore, spraying salty mist into the bitter air. The sky was cloudless and storm grey, the sea itself reflecting this colourless day so that sky and sea were nearly interchangeable. The undulations of the waves glistened mirror silver. The chill breeze swept over me as I sat on the damp pebbles out towards the endless waters. I imagined that The Morrighan appeared by my side then, and she appeared. She had long, wavy, red hair that blew like wildfire in the wind, emerald eyes set in palest skin. A bare smile touched her lips. She stood proud, and naked except for a long, deep black piece of fabric that wrapped around her waist and was whipping around her feet. The elements didn’t bother her, she was in her element. I told her that I fear her. She replied “You fear the ocean too though. It’s awesome depths and distant might. Yet it also brings forth life, inspires awe, and instills peace. You should fear me, as the ocean.”
Other things were said, I could not remember after. But I distinctly remember that first thing she said to me. I was rather shocked by this little encounter (and the little rebel in me smiled with glee at the thought of this experience happening in a christian service, lmao).
Well, part of me was really arguing that it was all in my head (which technically it was, but you know what I mean =P). It took me little while to realise that, even if it was, it does not mean that it is unimportant, or worthless. Whether it’s my higher, better self, or my self-obsessed ego, or really The Morrighan who said those words, they meant a lot to me. Now, incredibly slowly but ever so surely, I am feeling her presence in my life, not just in my psychobabbling head, lol.
Blessed Be to you, my dear Morrighan, Dark Lady of the Cycle.
Hiya all,
My oh my, so much has happened since we last exchanged pleasantries =D. Let’s start with the not so good, at least it can only get better.
Epic Fail on the Mt. Kilimanjaro front. I didn’t manage to raise the minimum sponsorship, so couldn’t go on the expidition. In retrospect, it was rather foolish of me to think I could raise £5000 whilst starting a new and incredibly demanding (yet satisfying) job. I was just stretched way too thin. But, this is not the end, oh no! I am continuing on my quest towards the sponsorship target for War Child. I think this charity is absolutely amazing, and I believe this challenge is totally worthwhile (if not headache inducing). So, I will just go on the trek up Mt Kilimanjaro whenever I do reach the target, however long that shall take. I, and War Child, shall not be beaten so easily, lol.
On a more positive note, work is going well. As you may or may not now, I’m currently a teaching assistant in a secondary school, and loving it despite the stress that comes in tow. It’s working where I am at the moment that has inspired to go and apply for teacher training (as an art teacher). Now, I really can’t afford to go back to Uni and achieve teacher status through a PGCE, so I have been applying through what is called a GTP – where you train on the job. As you can imagine, because you can get paid at the same time this is quite a competitive route. But I’ve asked the acting Head at our school, and he has said that they accept my application to train as a teacher there! SQUEEEE! So I’m very happy about that. But that’s only half the story – although they have said yes, we (myself and the school) have to apply to an outside modifying body who actually decides if I do the training. So I’m in the middle of applying to these guys at the moment, so fingers tightly crossed that it will be accepted, and I can begin to train as an art teacher this september. How exciting!
This past Samhain/Halloween I also dedicated myself to my patron deity, The Morrighan. Some of you may have a vague memory about me and Her in a much earlier post. There was a difficulty there intially (mainly me being plain scaredy-cat, pfft), but I have found my way to her, and she is much more than I orignally thought. It’s still tentative steps at the moment, trying to build up a relationship, but it is comforting to know I have Her to guide me in times of need.
Had a glorious Winter Solstice this year – went to a friends house to catch up, only to look outside and see snow falling thick and fast, settling like a thick blanket over the streets. I love snow! The walk home was wonderful, so silent, and comforting, a true Solstice feeling. I’ve heard it may snow tomorrow too, hopefully!
Well, I think thats enough on the updates for now. But as you may have noticed, I have moved blog, lol. I’ve imported from Blogger, so that I can have pages *points above* which I can have fun with. Not sure what to do exactly with them yet, but they do leave me room for some creative expression! I do hope that you have been able to follow me from my old blog to this blog, I really look forward to reconnecting with you all.
Talking about reconnecting, on my last post the wonderful Suzi left a comment which led me to a very thoughtful and much appreciated award. Much love, Suzi.
As honest bloggers we:
(Cut, Copy, Paste, Delete, Add To…As You Wish)
* Speak our truth from the heart and tell it like it is.
* Share openly and honestly our true feelings without fear of judgement, Blame or shame.
* We write to share our achievements so others can also share our joy.
* We write about our bad times too, knowing that the love and support of others is around us and perhaps heal another’s pain in the process..
*We are human beings will real feelings and emotions and REFUSE to hide behind a mask.
* We dare to be different
* We are Free Spirits
* We realsie that by spilling out, we lighten our load.
* We acknowledge our strengths and weaknesses and don’t see them in terms of success or failure.
* We laugh together and cry together
* We are all following our own journey in our own unique way
* Above all else, we may lie on the floor, screaming and kicking, or feel like life is collapsing around us once in a while….but at the end of the day, we drag ourselves up, dust ourselves off and rise to fight another day.
In the spirit in which it was received, I pass it on to Stoneweaver, who I really wish was still in the UK (although I wouldn’t want to deprive her of New Zealand’s immense beauty), for her down-to-earthness, her passion, and her refusal to tell it in any other way than her own. Keep it up .
